Hi Central Coast Morning Lift Off,
This is going to upset a lot of you I know but please give me some advice to help me.
Last year I ended a long term affair with a married guy. We were seeing each other and fell totally in love. I know some of you will automatically think I am the worst of the worst. I have no excuses because I know what I did was wrong. I was going through a hard time and this guy and I met when I was at my lowest. I know! There’s no excuse. I can’t justify my actions.
After 2 years of him promising to make us work and end his marriage he decided not to. He preferred to keep me as his side chick because it was too hard to end his marriage. I went into a deep deep depression. He said he loved me but he could end his marriage. He asked me to stay as his girlfriend and maybe when his kids left home he would change his mind. They were 19 and 18 at the time. So, I was like okay I could wait.
I begged him to choose me. We said we loved each other still and for a while I accepted it. Then I couldn’t anymore. I felt used and betrayed by him. I asked him again to pick and to do the right thing by both of us – me and his wife. He said he didn’t love her and he saw a future with me. Just not yet. I said I couldn’t do this anymore and I had to end it. He claimed again he loved me still.
What I did next has haunted me for a year. There has not been a day go by that I have not regretted it. I told his wife about us.
I did it out of anger and hurt and a desperate need to end my own rejection and hurt. I now know that in doing this I actually hurt an innocent woman and her kids. I feel so horrible knowing that I could have been so evil. As soon as I sent her the message I regretted it. I have nightmares about her telling her kids. My shame is so great that at times
I have destructive thoughts. Now it is coming up to a year since I did that and I feel like I need to apologize to her. We have never spoken but he told me that she left him and I was evil and to blame for his wife leaving. I have never spoken to him again since that day.
I wanted to hurt him. And in the process I ended a marriage and probably hurt 2 kids and countless other people in their family. I have only told one friend about our affair and she has stood by me. She has listened but she said I need to forgive myself but I can’t. I hate myself. And my life. I can’t change what I did and it is killing me. I have this overwhelming urge to tell her that I am sorry. I think about it constantly. I have written her a letter in my head a thousand times. I want her to know that I am so sorry for what I did to her. I want to say that I am sorry for the affair and that I should have just ended it with him, and left her alone.
Please help me. Should I write to her or call her. If so what do I write to her and say? Should I write to her adult kids as well? Should I leave her alone?
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